Blog 1: Sept. 12, 1996—I hear the clock ticking, the cicadas buzzing to a different time outside my family home in New Jersey. The steam evaporates along the rim of the cup I am holding. It is nighttime. It is quiet for three seconds, it seems. I feel emptiness.
I hold the resonance of Patricia’s words in my gut. I shared dinner with her, her husband
(both from South America), and my parents tonight. Patricia held my hand, looked me in the eyes, and asked me with Latin warmth and knowing why I was going west. Why not Spain? She asked. She knew I had loved Spain as a child, had always wanted to return there because it had felt like the only home I had known. I told her I had promised myself I’d go back when I had something to give, and not until then. You don’t have to limit yourself, she reminded me.
Tonight, at the kitchen table, I know she is right. I cry. I’m going west because a part of me wants to start fresh, have a new beginning, where judgment and rules don’t follow me. But I feel the illusion of this idea that, light and free, I can follow my spirit’s longing—the one I carried as a child in the fields of Spain—out west. And Patricia seems the only one who’s not applauding me for my ability to pick up and go and create life a thousand times over as I’ve done so many times in my stubborn way.
As I sit at my parent’s kitchen table, I cry. I ask, for this moment, that I be the kind of frail that’s strong but asks for true insights that don’t come from answers but from hearing my heart and listening to its needs. I listen. But my journey is tomorrow. I am going west, and not east, not across the Atlantic Ocean toward Spain, to my heart’s home.
HAVE YOU EVER MADE A DECISION RELUCTANTLY THAT CHANGED THE COURSE OF YOUR LIFE?
Book sounds fascinating. Look forward to reading it some day. Thank you for the kind comment on The American Dundee of the Blues of Toulouse Street.
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Thanks for your response. Nice to share work with you.
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American Dundee? What, no crocodiles? Dys, un oh, hell, can’t even remember the name of it. Like apraxia but typing So much fun for a writer. The latest fun side effect of my medication (which I’m almost off of thankfully).I have to save all of my blog posts for at least half a day, then come back to them.
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It’s a Spanish word..Duende..and refers to the spirit of the earth. When it moves through you fully, it awakens in you all that you are and can be. Check out Federico Garcia Lorca’s talk on Duende. It’s online.
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[Here], actually; and an analysis [here]. What a bridge of passion between knowledge and the soul, dearest Michelle!
This fellow partly Mediterranean is looking forward to following the divinely healing consequences of your reluctant decision. Goddess bless you always, Sister. Leon
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Apologies for the mistaken link; the analysis [here].
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And a PDF version of Kline’s translation from Project Gutenberg: http://www.self.gutenberg.org/wplbn0002171719-theory_and_play_of_the_duende-by_lorca__federico__garc_a.aspx
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Hola Leon,
What sweet words you write. I hope you enjoy the journey I will share. I look forward to sharing this with you with our shared passion…un abrazo, Michelle
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Thanks for the links.
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You write beautifully! I look forward to hearing more about your journey.Also, thank you for introducing me to “duende” I’m looking up the talk you mentioned above.
❤
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Thank you, Anne Marie, for your kind words. I can share more on Duende shortly, but hopefully you’ve had a chance to read Garcia Lorca’s words, which are stunning. Blessings to you.
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Thank you for including me in this journey.
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You’ve got me thinking about your journey, and the journeys we all take throughout our lives that lead us to unexpected places of joy and grief, of befuddlement and enlightenment. When I think about journeying, I think of feet and how they connect us to the earth — which makes me think of words like these.
The duende climbs up inside you, from the soles of the feet.
– Federico Garcia Lorca
I love your feet
only because they walked
upon the earth and upon
the wind and upon the waters,
until they found me.
– Pablo Neruda
The Neruda passage is from his poem Your Feet. It’s especially dear to me because I recited it in both Spanish and English to beautiful Sarah on our second wedding anniversary.
I think about feet and wonder: Is it our hearts that lead our feet to journey where they do, or is it really the earth telling our feet to open our hearts?
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I love your thoughts and the poem by Pablo Neruda. Who is walking us? What draws us forward, back, down, up, which ever direction we go?
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It seems to be a questions that only the journey itself can answer, although sometimes we don’t want to receive the answer we are being given by it.
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Beautifully expressed. I quoted from this for a loved one of mine who is going through something similar at this very time.
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Thank you. Glad to hear that Garcia Lorca’s words can be an inspiration. He’s amazing, and so it this spirit that moves through us.
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Thanks for sharing of yourself and your journey. I just read this entry. I also embarked in a similar fashion, two years ago when I decided to do something completely different and illogical; and left California on a one way ticket out, with just $200 in my pocket. “Check out Sedona, I heard it has spiritual stuff.” ringing in my head. Just as much as a destination as any. I have never been to Spain before, but am looking forward to visiting and getting to know Spain when I start my year of walking the Caminos in Europe in 2017.
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Peter, thanks for joining on this journey, and for your comments. Are you going to walk Camino de Santiago? And if so, how far are you walking? I would love to do that, although my body isn’t up to that level of walking right now.
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Hi Michelle! I plan to walk the Camino de Santiago, as well as many of the other 800 or so Caminos that mesh throughout Europe SOMETIME in 2017. I plan to do a year of just walking and see how much I can see, experience, live. There is a local chapter of the American Pilgrims’ Association here in town that does meetings, group activities, and walks.
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What a wonderful quest and intention you carry to walk caminos throughout Europe. Sounds wonderful. I look forward to hearing more about it, and when you begin planning these adventures. If your legs and body are strong, walking is a great way to be with the earth and ourselves.
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I feel like I am late to the table but I am looking forward to catching up with you as I read more of your journey – reluctance and doubt colour our toughest decisions and shape us.
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That’s for sure about reluctance and doubt. But here we are, alive and learning. Thanks for sharing.
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