Blog 8: Early October, 1996—Richard tells me it may take a shaman, a medicine man, two years to calm me down. It seems his way of warning me of the dangers of my full energy—the danger of trying to direct the flow too much. I do feel fairly out of control, and yet, I seem calmer about it than I usually am. Maybe it’s because I’m still here in this quiet place of Albuquerque. Or maybe, it’s because I’m dancing all of this energy out of me so I don’t run off to the next place so quickly.

Just a few days ago, it seems, I was in my living room at Judith’s place, stretching before dancing in the morning. I placed my right leg up above the fireplace to stretch my thigh, and then I heard it—a loud popping sound. I had never heard such a sound, but it definitely came from my leg and groin area. I put my leg down, tuned into what had happened. I was strong, didn’t feel much. But knowing that something was wrong, I decided to go for a run, to test out what had happened. I seemed okay…for now.

During the following days, I danced, ran, and did what I wanted to. After all, I was young and felt what had happened didn’t fit into my life’s plan. I wanted to dance, so I did. And when I began to feel sore in my right groin, my housemate Judith (who was also a massage therapist) massaged that area to release any pain or constriction before dancing. Richard may have been right about me calming down. It would take a lot more than a temporary injury or a shaman.

Around that time, I also wrote a story about power…about driving and driving, and then coming home and feeling the pain of my past, the pain of what I cannot have, the pain of being human and limited by a body that carries this vehicle of imagination. There’s nothing that seems to feed this hunger.


6 thoughts on “8. SLOW DOWN, YOUNG LADY!

    • Thanks, Anna, nice of you to say. Now that I’m older…just a bit older 🙂 …than when I first wrote and experienced this, I know that my longing has been to find a way to offer my vitality and hunger as a gift to life. But, as a child on the East Coast, after moving from Spain, I grew up feeling out of place. I didn’t feel received and connected, and although I danced, my dance seemed an attempt to break out of the cage of isolation that had imprisoned me.

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  1. Some time before I left California, I had an experience where someone pushed me too far energetically due to their own personality quirks, and set me off on a path where I was extremely offended, and felt accused of being somebody I was not; nor someone who committed a crime, but did not. I was so offended that I was assumed guilty and the action was at a very high escalation level that never had a progression that I felt I needed to set the record absolutely straight; show without any doubt that I was right; and send a strong message never to mess with me. So I initiated an action that was far above his level of escalation, with some others who were known to energetically “win within the first 15 seconds to an utter degree”. I accomplished my goal, and beyond, but it took all the resources I had, and cost me everything – it cost the other person everything. The only party that prevailed were the ones I asked assistance of in that matter – they won everything. It also propelled me far along my path to question life and ultimately start my pilgrimage.

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