34. The Courage to Keep Going


Blog 34: Dec. 1997-April 1998—I watched a woman grab onto the railing at the YMCA in Berkeley, using it to stabilize her walk, which consisted of one step every minute. Her feet and legs were like those of a Raggedy Anne doll, hard to control and weakening below her.

Like her, I too had been swimming at the YMCA, and was doing what I could to regain my capacity to walk without pain. But the extreme limits and pain I had experienced since injuring myself in New Mexico more than a year ago, and since moving to Berkeley and the Bay Area of California, were becoming too much to bear—or at least until I saw this woman at the YMCA show me what true courage looked like. She helped me be grateful for what I had, even if it was little.

I had been living in a house full of depressed people in Berkeley (which probably included me) and was now seeking another place to live. But, with the high cost of living and limited options, I began to wonder if I’d end up moving back in with my parents in New Jersey. While searching out my options, I wrote, both in my journal and what later would become my novel. Writing became my refuge, and an attempt to clear the cobwebs of this jobless, debilitated place I was in.

I wrote: “Oh, Berkeley, your magical hills and your fog that rolls into the Bay enticed me for a while, until all the forces gathered these soul parts of mine into one unexpected stew. I came for life, and instead I got death. Though, love, at times, visited my bedside, reminding me of hope.

“Oh, Berkeley, you were such a temptation, and now you are this place where my body struggles to speak. It struggles to break free, although it does not know how. Oh, Berkeley, your winds have thrown me to the ground, when what I had asked for was to be able to leap.

“My hunger has followed me out here and has nagged me into this sleep, an uncontrollable sleep. I so want to sleep now, to sleep and dream this story, with an ending that brings vitality and renewed hope for a life of love.”


5 thoughts on “34. The Courage to Keep Going

  1. Throughout life, we are faced with opportunities to feel gratitude and love for what we have–including life itself–or to feel despair and resentment over we do not.

    Two weeks ago, on what was to have been a day of celebration–the anniversary of my first date with my wife, Sarah–I lost my little two-year-old granddaughter Jackie, who passed away suddenly and inexplicably in her sleep.

    How does one find the courage to keep going? By remembering the goodness in life. By embracing gratitude for what one has. By letting go of the notion that anything remains simply because you wish it. By holding on to those railings and moving forward. One step at a time.


  2. I don’t think I ever had the courage to keep going. What I always had was a choice, and the choice to keep going was always far better than not, because I had experienced the other road before, or always knew at a deep level the experience of the other choice. At some early point in my life, I chose to desire beauty, because it is everywhere, and always led to a higher place, even when I went to the lower places and tired of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • While you may not see what I see as “courage”, I see you as having courage, lots of it. And it takes a lot of beauty and soul to choose beauty and life in a full way rather than just go through the motions and get by. So, keep on!


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