41. Big in Love


BLOG 41: September, 1998—Another month passed by in New Jersey, with the highway noise bleeding into the background of my consciousness as I unraveled this person I had been. And almost every day and evening I wrote, adding sentences to my novel from an unknown place.

“Writing this book is hard,” I scribbled in my journal. “It’s hard to get to the heart of it. I feel like I am gnawing away at the edge of the bone… My characters also feel small, and they are in a small world. I need to give meat to those seeking, living characters wanting to be what they can be. As a writer, I need to be many more people than me. I need to look inside and understand more than myself.”

As I explored the depths of where my novel wished to go, ideas came to me—inside the music I played and the space I created of eternal night. Some of these ideas seemed so outside myself, so irrational, that I would call a friend and share what was coming to me. Rather than tell me to pull back, and not go there, he always inspired to me to follow this irrational, out-there idea, and to let it tell its story and purpose. That extra prodding from a good friend all3bb1bb45b56a2988fbf4a474dab45607.jpgowed ideas that had begun in my mind to seep into my bones and discover their resonance for a larger story than me.

This journey inward beyond the musings of my mind, would not have been possible if I had not been injured and been guided into a vulnerable, still place within me. It became so clear how I was unraveling that part of me, driven by ego and insecurities to become someone big. Nothing grows grand and beautiful without solid roots, and this time was about growing and feeding those roots of mine so I could create an enriching story. It was also about letting go of the need to push outward when the rich soil of my life lay within.

“I’m always amazed at how I feel this great responsibility to do something big in this world, to affect change, to give in a big way,” I wrote in my journal. “But another part of me wants to live simply, to eliminate all this bigness and just concentrate on breathing and loving.”

Today, years later, I see that it is through breathing each moment in and in loving that we become big. We become big through letting go of that which we are determined to be. We begin to dance, sing, and be the joy we have always been with those we love. Together we can celebrate life and be the gift that makes us so much more than just ourselves.


*My recently-published novel, Child of Duende: A Journey of the Spirit, is the culmination of years of musings and gnawing at the bone. Check it out on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Child-Duende-Journey-Michelle-Adam/dp/099724710X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1474233011&sr=8-1&keywords=child+of+duende  or at www.michelleadam.net

4 thoughts on “41. Big in Love

  1. Hey there again. As a writer who aspires to penning a novel, it can be intimidating to see the finished product. But then to see the creative process in motion, makes it seem all the more possible. Many thanks for this insight. Checked out the book on Amazon. Wow, you got some heavyweight endorsement there. Are you writing another novel now?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so very much, Leeby, for your kind words and sharing. I really appreciate it. I am not writing a second book yet, because I feel my focus needs to be with Child of Duende. It’s a journey I’ve only just begun with this “child” of mine, and I’m weaving her message into teachings, talks and healing work that is centered on coming home to “duende”, the spirit of the earth that is inside of each of us. I have had shamans describe my novel as a “soul retrieval”, something I didn’t plan…but then again, none of my novel was planned. It wrote through. I was forced to stop and write her lyrical love onto the page because there’s a message that our ancestors, our indigenous origins, and the earth are calling us to hear at this time. So when you write, follow your soul’s longing, your hunger, a strand that is not “logical”, but that calls you from the depths of your soul and the earth’s soul that wishes to speak. And then get out of the way, just like shamanic journeying. So, blessings on your journey with writing. Do it because you need to, but it needs to happen, and forget about the world for now as you go there. Did you order the book off of Amazon, by the way?…Blessings to you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Wow, thank you for that inspiring wisdom. I haven’t ordered it yet. But it’s definitely on the cards. I’m guessing you’ve got some talks up on you tube. I’ll check out more of your stuff and put the word out for you in social media.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you. It’s interesting because I’ve done various events but have not posted much on YouTube of them. Your words inspire me to look at doing so. That said, I have a lot on my website (including singing I did and put on YouTube…a little bit), and that may give you the greatest sense of what I’m doing at this time: http://www.michelleadam.net. I’m glad to be of help and connect with a fellow writer.


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