88. My Soul is Tender after Spain

BLOG 88—(present reflections tied to February 2001 journal entries about my healing journey and my return from presenting my novel in Spain)—I returned almost a month ago from Spain, from a book tour with my novel in Spanish, Niña Duende: Un Viaje del Espíritu, presented in four cities (Madrid, Murcia, Málaga, and Granada) and six venues. My journey to Spain was a homecoming, a return to the land that had shown me my soul. And this time I came with my novel, written while in the U.S., a kind of exile from that home.

My soul is tender now, not just because my gift as a writer and healer and as the person I am were beautifully received, but because, upon returning home to New Mexico, I now feel a truth I wrestled with almost 20 years ago, when healing from hip pain in New England.

Back then, while in pain and learning to listen to my soul’s voice, I wrote about feeling angry at being asked to “unmask” myself. I had worked with shamans from Ecuador, translating for them in events, and one had told me, ever so subtly, that maybe my whole journey of healing was about become soft again, about softening, which for me was a kind of “unmasking”.

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Me as a little girl in Spain (front, left)

Twenty years ago, that meant becoming that little, vulnerable girl I had once been. “How dare you ask me to soften when I’ve worked so hard to gain the power, strength, and courage I have had to survive,” I wrote in my journal in 2001. “I feel the younger person I was didn’t have any power or value, and that all the power and value I had, I had to build from the ashes of my father’s blaze.”

It’s especially interesting reading those words of long ago, when today, a month since returning from Spain, I awoke from a dream that resonated with what I had written. I dreamed I was in high school again, and I had just come from Spain to the U.S. and felt extremely alone inside those school walls. In my dream, I felt what it had been like back then, entering into an environment that had been so harsh and foreign to me. And I woke up feeling the angst and trauma of it all, while also getting how I had coped back then by shutting down, becoming depressed, numb, and disconnected because it wasn’t safe to feel the pain of being a stranger among all these students I was meant to connect DSC01189with, yet couldn’t. I got how a part of me had, as they say in the shamanic world, lost a part of my soul when I came to the U.S. and needed to survive.

As I lay in bed this morning, feeling all of this, I got so clearly that this is so much what happens to all of us. Every one of us experiences different traumas that we need to survive, and in order to do so, a part of us leaves, shuts down, disappears. We keep on going, appear normal to the outside world, but later, somewhere down the road, we pay the price, because a part of us is locked down, gone, and without this part, we are not whole. And then we hit some big wall in life—as I did with my injury and not being able to walk—and then the journey backwards, toward those moments in which we shut off and dissociate, begins. Because we must go back and retrieve those parts of us that we left somewhere else while we were busy surviving.

This morning, after my dream, I meditated, and I felt my soul’s tenderness. I really felt it. Because I got so clearly that all the places in our lives where we stop feeling, where we have to override our soul’s tenderness, our soul’s beautiful soft body that is as light and agile as the wind or a feather, need to be felt. We need to feel these moments where we weren’t really present, where we checked out, and we need to check back in, with immense compassion for our soul’s beauty and tenderness. We need to feel, and feel, and feel again, and less the fright we felt, and more that soft, vulnerable part of us that we shut down yet wants to be seen…that truly human, big-hearted part of us that we need 65205100_2304147666339710_1329517034966351872_nwith us so we can be our full soul-selves in our bodies. Then, and only then, can we experience true joy for living.

Ironically, when I came back from Spain this time, I met up with a woman who had been in my high school class in New Jersey, yet was now living in New Mexico. And what I discovered is that we had a lot in common and were very much on a similar spiritual path. Yet this time, unlike so many other times I had returned to the U.S. from Spain, I was able to feel that child I once had been who had gotten lost in the U.S.  I returned to New Mexico to make peace with that trauma I had experienced as a child when I had originally come to the U.S. from Spain. And now, that tenderness of my soul, that soft body, can more fully come home inside me.

I see now, that when I, or any of us, feel that sense of agitation, that disconnect in our lives, that it’s really a call to feel that tenderness that is our essence, and inside that space, to feel those parts of ourselves that were left behind and that long to return, to be seen, to be felt, to be whole within us again.

My Novel, Child of Duende: A Journey of the Spirit, is a story of returning home to the earth inside and all around us. It’s now available in Spanish as Niña Duende: Un Viaje del Espiritu, that’s available on Amazon at Amazon Page or at www.michelleadam.net. It can be ordered at a local bookstore or directly from me (for those outside of the U.S.) as well. Also, watch a brief video on “duende”, “the spirit of the earth” in Spanish: https://youtu.be/FaRK7wOHcJU, and in English: YouTube Video

 

 

Niña Duende Travels to Spain

5/20/2019: There’s a place in my life, where the wildflowers once grew in arid fields of piñon, rosemary, and thyme; where the passion reigned in the marketplace; and where, as a child, I awakened a deep connection to the land and the culture. This place, called Spain, I now return, as I once promised myself, to bring a gift of my novel, Niña Duende: Un Viaje del Espíritu, and her story that belongs to the land and her people. I’ll be presenting my novel with Flamenco guitar in Madrid, Murcia, Málaga, and Granada. I’m also offering a writing workshop in Málaga. Please join me if you can for this special book tour in the land I love that wrote my story.

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20/5/2019: Hay un lugar en mi vida, donde las flores salvajes crecían en el campo árido de piñon, romero, y tomillo; donde reinaba la pasión en el mercado, y donde, de joven, me despertó una conección sagrada y profunda con su tierra y gente.  Vuelvo a este lugar llamado España, como me prometí, para compartir mi novela, Niña Duende: Un Viaje del Espíritu, y su cuento que se pertenece a su tierra y gente. Presentaré mi novela con guitarra de flamenco en Madrid, Murcia, Málaga, y Granada.  También, ofreceré un taller de escritura en Málaga. Favor de acompañarme si puede para este viaje del libro en el país que amo y que escribió mi novela.

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My Novel, Child of Duende: A Journey of thSpirit, is a story of returning home to the earth inside and all around us. It’s now available in Spanish as Niña Duende: Un Viaje del Espiritu, that’s available on Amazon at Amazon Page  or at www.michelleadam.net. It can be ordered at a local bookstore or directly from me (for those outside of the U.S.) as well. Also, watch a brief video on “duende”, “the spirit of the earth”: YouTube Video

Honest Journey on Wings of Grace

Why go back in time? Why recount what has come before, when I am here, on the wings of grace with my novel Child of Duende: A Journey of the Spirit and its sweet reception?

Since January, I’ve been telling my personal story behind my recently published novel. Going back 20 years, I’ve been recounting the strands of thread that, bit by bit, wove the tapestry of my story of a magical girl in Spain, and another who finds her way back home through supernatural vines. But why go back in time?

I find the answer to my question when I offer storytelling events and gatherings where we can share that part of ourselves that longs to fly on the wings of grace and with a passion that is innately inside us all, even if only in the form of embers.

This past week I shared my story, both personal and of my novel, at a local New Mexico bookstore, Bookworks, and was not only blessed by a large turnout, but by people who told their own stories. They were stories of anxiety, pain, and feeling intensely. While we live in a culture that often seeks a light and happy tale, I have found that it is the ache and pain of being alive–and our willingness to feel it along with the joy–that allows us to ultimately to fly on the wings of grace.

So, as I prepare to continue my blog from where I left off-in California, broken and in pain–I bless every inch of this journey that has brought me to this place of freedom and aliveness. As I share in my storytelling and talks, and through my novel, it is “duende,” the spirit of the earth inside me, that has broken me into many pieces, so I could finally embody my life more fully and be the grace that I am. Thank you for all of it.

On the Road with Sacred Song

July 17, 2016: Here I am, on the Road, in Washington State, with my novel, Child of Duende: A Journey of the Spirit. I’ve taken a break from my regular blog (hard to do from the roaIMG_0182d) and instead, am sharing a few moments of my travels and experience in Washington.
I came here because beautiful, amazing people invited me to offer ceremony and teachings I’ve called a Journey of Story, Sound, and Healing. In Sequim, Washington, I shared my personal story with “duende”, this spirit of the earth that has been a true awakening for me, and also journeyed into the earth and shared in collective sound. In doing so, I’m amazed, and often am, at how, in tuning in, I am guided to create a space in which we can all teach each other, through our hearts and presence, how to come home, one inch closer each time, to ourselves.

My next stop has been Port Townsend, Washington, and more specifically the home of two beautiful souls, Jamie and Doug. I led ceremony in their yurt, which sits looking out over the ocean. Here, just sitting on the land and in the yurt offered such healing and stillness, that little was needed to feel at home.

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Eagle stretching its wings on a branch, Washington State

Yet, once people arrived and we shared in an intimate ceremony, something magical happened. As one person said, “All the elements were here.” Our voices and love created a blessed offering for the holy.

We watched the sun set after ceremony and then shared our concerns, reflections on life. Here we were, in Washington State, where the whales are disappearing. Climate change has forced the salmon to go elsewhere and now the whales, who feed off of the salmon, are leaving as well. Meanwhile, the navy is doing tests on the water that impacts the remaining whales. One woman of the group (she bikes a large container of fish to farmer’s markets here… doesn’t want to go by car…wants to live simply and do the work it takes to live right) talked about this, and struggled with what to fight for to protect the earth and our relationship to her (so many things she wants to do). We asked ourselves, what is it we need to do to be in right relationship with the earth at this time? How can our actions, even that of coming together and singing to the earth, and remembering who we are–outside of the human drama–impact where we are as humans?

IMG_0167Tomorrow, I will share songs with Jamie’s drumming group, and tell a bit about my writing, and Child of Duende. But, I ask myself, as I meet such true earth-honoring people on my path, how does my work, my novel, my writing, my ceremonies and teachings make a difference for the earth and its many inhabitants? I can’t fully know the answer, but what I sense, as I travel, is that maybe, just maybe in speaking about “duende,” the spirit of the earth that we carry inside ourselves, and in helping awaken this spirit, we can all feel what it is we have been doing to ourselves and the earth, and begin to dream a new dream, a new possibility, of who we can be as humans on this beautiful, magical earth. And, as I meet others and form sacred circles with them, I am also learning from them how to be more authentically that which spirit is guiding me to be.

Upcoming Events for my Novel. Please Share with the World!

BOOK TOUR: WASHINGTON STATE
(please join/share if you have connections to these places) 
        It all started 15-plus years ago with a crippling injury and a serendipitous encounter with a screenplay writer on an airplane and ended with a 298-page novel touted by well-renowned teacher and award-winning author Sandra Ingerman and New York Times Bestselling Author John Perkins as a magical and inspiring story to come home to.
        What began as a healing journey became the story of a young girl in Málaga, Spain, whose grandmother names her Duende, a word meaning goblin, nature spirit, or the spirit of the earth that “one must awaken in the remotest mansions of the blood.” Duende dances with Gypsies, follows a nature spirit below the sea, into the earth’s core, and has dreams that
transform her reality and that of Ingrid, a journalist who travels to her childhood home of Málaga to cover the story of supernatural vines. Ultimately, Ingrid’s return home reveals a truth that has been buried in the ground for millennia. Described by Sandra Ingerman as “a beautiful story that will take you into magical and mystical realms,” Child of Duende is a journey home.(see www.child ofduende.com  for more info. on novel).
        Child of Duende, which is now available on Amazon (print and Kindle), and bookstores worldwide (see info. below), was finally published on March 29, 2016. In mid-June, I was honored to share in a novel launch celebration with 40-plus people in Albuquerque (some of you!), followed by a successful book signing at Hastings. But there’s more to come, including a Washington State Book Tour, time sharing my novel in Santa Cruz at the Vox Mundi Retreat, and more book events and readings in New Mexico. Writing a novel is tremendous work, as is promoting and sharing it with all of you. So, if you can tell others about Child of Duende,upcoming events, or, you wish to sponsor events (maybe engage a local bookstore) or write an Amazon customer review, it will mean the world to me!
Village Books Flyer, Child of Duende

*Upcoming New Mexico Events (July, August):
-July 28, 6:30 p.m. Reading/Signing at PAGE 1 BOOKS (Albuquerque, NM)
-Aug. 16, 6p.m. Reading/Signing at BookWorks (Albuquerque, NM )

*BOOKSTORES with Child of Duende:
Amazon (paperback/kindle);
Barnes and Noble (on site at Coronado Center in Albuquerque…they offer an event if enough books sell here).
National or International Bookstores (ask them to order Child of Duende)
BookWorks (Rio Grande, Albuquerque);
Crystal Dove (Central, Albuquerque);
Blue Eagle Metaphysical Emporium (Juan Tabo, Albuquerque);
Collected Works (Santa Fe, NM). Available in 1 week)

*For more information on me or my novel: http://www.michelleadam.net or www.childofduende.com or visit Facebook at Michelle Adam or Duende’s Child
or  Twitter